June 30, 2011
June 29, 2011
June 27, 2011
I would like to do this during the course of my life
http://www.refugeesinternational.org/
I'm not technically a "refugee" or displaced person, but I came to this country through a refugee program that was put in place by president Ronald Reagan, whose administration aided in giving freedom of religion to many religiously oppressed citizens of the former USSR. I immigrated long after the dissolution of the Soviet Union. In a nation that was atheist, there was no place for a God. Sentenced to years of hard labor in Siberia (or death) were those who were caught with Bibles in their hands. They had to pray in private, in basements with the lights off. I mourn for the generations before me, my great-grandfathers and great-grandmothers. My grandfather on my mother's side possessed one of only three Bibles available in the whole village during his time, and people would sneak to his home and read the Word of God in secret, cautious of being caught. These people walked to their death, but in hope for eternal life.
There is at least a dozen Bibles present in my home today, yet, they are rarely even opened. I have realized my grave mistake in taking for granted the freedoms I have been granted, the freedoms someone else had to fight for so that I may someday know the Lord God. And for this, I am truly grateful. I wish I had such courage and devotion, and I pray that I develop this type of mindset even further. I wish I could experience what it is like to not be free, so that I may fight for my freedom. Compared side by side, my life pales in comparison to their actions and their hard lives. I am not worthy of my ancestors and all they have suffered through, all that they sacrificed for the freedom of my generation. We take this for granted, much like we take God's sacrifice for granted.
They have served us, the younger generation, and they have served God. Now, it is our turn to be martyrs. I want to do something like this. I want to advocate, to give aid to those who are refugees, who are displaced and are running away from evil in search of freedom. I want to spread the Good News of God, and tell people about the freedom found through Christ. I want to use every resource that is given to me for this purpose. To be a missionary. To be a helper.
June 25, 2011
June 24, 2011
I would like to write.
A book.
A cautionary book. Not a book about my experiences, how I am repenting and, perhaps, learning from my mistakes --- changing, becoming a better person. Not that type. A warning. An advisory. like an advisory the local news channels air on TV, warning people about severe weather coming their way; advising how people should act in a manner that protects their safety.
Perhaps I will fall into my old self and lie, try defend my self and my evil crimes, try to make myself seem the victim, the one who had no intention of hurt so therefore it is ok what I did.
I have to erase that mentality. It is not normal to think like that, it is disturbing, sickening, abominable.
I must change my ways. I need a new brain. Sometimes, I feel as if I am too far gone, past the point of returning, changing, and fixing. But with God, I can do the impossible.
I would like to write a book, to tell people that in this cruel, disgusting, adulterous world there exist people like me. People who lie, fake, use and abuse. People who lead disturbing lives, you would vomit. Everyone keeps saying, no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. I disagree. Some are mislead, lied to, and they fall into the traps of making these mistakes, of being made fools.
I would like to write a book. How can I write all this down?
June 16, 2011
moods.
i seem to swing back and forth between moods.
happy, sad
hopeful, humiliated
indeed, i am at war with myself
June 1, 2011
The Kingdom of God is my home
Deep within all of us is a desire for a home. We all have feelings of not belonging, and a home comforts those feelings. A home is secure, it is permanent. But what happens when it is not permanent? What if you are in a place and you feel like you don't belong there, or anywhere?
Nine years ago, my family and I left our native country to come to the U.S.
It was devastating to leave everything I knew behind and come to strange place where I did not know anything.
I thought assimilation would make this place my new home. Blending in, immersing myself in the culture, learning the language and mimicking behaviors would guarantee a new home for me here, in this new strange place. It didn't quite work out that way. I still felt like a stranger here, I did not have the friends and family that I had in my old country. The food was strange, I missed my grandmother's foods. I had an accent. I did not know of the cartoon shows everyone grew up watching. I felt left out when they would all walk down the memory lane of their childhood and discuss cartoon shows they used to enjoy. My childhood was somewhere else. Truly I thought that my home was back home, not here. Here, I was a stranger and a foreigner.
In 2009, I made a trip back to my country and discovered something devastating. Everything had changed about my home, and I was not there to witness the change, and change along with it. Everything was different. Everything was strange. I felt like I had fallen asleep for many years and had just woken up. I was naive to think that everything would remain the same, though. Nothing is permanent, everything and everyone can change. Needless to say, when arriving "home" I felt the same as I did when I first came to the U.S., I felt out of place. My language skills had deteriorated, and people made fun of me and corrected me. There were new slang terms that had developed while I was gone, I had to learn them. Everyone was so grown up, people were married, studying in universities. The last image I had of them was them being skinny little children, running around barefoot, going down the cliffs to get to the lake to go for a swim. Now they wore shoes and walked like adults. Man oh man, how they had changed. I had changed too. I had become paler and fatter.
I felt out of place in the place I had considered my home. So where was my home then? Not there and not in the U.S., surely not anywhere else in the world either. I was a foreigner to this planet. A wanderer without a home. I feel out of my place even in my house. What if a tree falls on it tonight and destroys it? I don't think I will feel homeless then, I feel homeless now.
This experience in life has made me realize something important. My body is temporary, it is not permanent. This planet is also temporary. This planet is a temporary dwelling place for us to build a life. A life of either seeking the desires and pleasures of this world, or seeking the Lord. The reason why I got so comfortable living on this planet, and actually designated a place on it to call my "home," was because I was seeking worldly pleasures and desires. That is what my life was consumed with.
But now I am a Christian, I have surrendered my life to the Lord and my home is in heaven. My body will die and this planet will parish. My heaven will not, and my soul is eternal, for it has been given to me by the eternal breath of God. Just as my body is a temporary dwelling place for my soul, so is this planet a temporary home. I must fix my attention upon building a home for me in heaven and filling it with riches. The way to do that is to live a righteous life here on earth, and to serve and love the Lord. How I long to go home, to the house of my Lord. He has prepared a place for me there. It is up to me whether or not I shall end up there.
Nine years ago, my family and I left our native country to come to the U.S.
It was devastating to leave everything I knew behind and come to strange place where I did not know anything.
I thought assimilation would make this place my new home. Blending in, immersing myself in the culture, learning the language and mimicking behaviors would guarantee a new home for me here, in this new strange place. It didn't quite work out that way. I still felt like a stranger here, I did not have the friends and family that I had in my old country. The food was strange, I missed my grandmother's foods. I had an accent. I did not know of the cartoon shows everyone grew up watching. I felt left out when they would all walk down the memory lane of their childhood and discuss cartoon shows they used to enjoy. My childhood was somewhere else. Truly I thought that my home was back home, not here. Here, I was a stranger and a foreigner.
In 2009, I made a trip back to my country and discovered something devastating. Everything had changed about my home, and I was not there to witness the change, and change along with it. Everything was different. Everything was strange. I felt like I had fallen asleep for many years and had just woken up. I was naive to think that everything would remain the same, though. Nothing is permanent, everything and everyone can change. Needless to say, when arriving "home" I felt the same as I did when I first came to the U.S., I felt out of place. My language skills had deteriorated, and people made fun of me and corrected me. There were new slang terms that had developed while I was gone, I had to learn them. Everyone was so grown up, people were married, studying in universities. The last image I had of them was them being skinny little children, running around barefoot, going down the cliffs to get to the lake to go for a swim. Now they wore shoes and walked like adults. Man oh man, how they had changed. I had changed too. I had become paler and fatter.
I felt out of place in the place I had considered my home. So where was my home then? Not there and not in the U.S., surely not anywhere else in the world either. I was a foreigner to this planet. A wanderer without a home. I feel out of my place even in my house. What if a tree falls on it tonight and destroys it? I don't think I will feel homeless then, I feel homeless now.
This experience in life has made me realize something important. My body is temporary, it is not permanent. This planet is also temporary. This planet is a temporary dwelling place for us to build a life. A life of either seeking the desires and pleasures of this world, or seeking the Lord. The reason why I got so comfortable living on this planet, and actually designated a place on it to call my "home," was because I was seeking worldly pleasures and desires. That is what my life was consumed with.
But now I am a Christian, I have surrendered my life to the Lord and my home is in heaven. My body will die and this planet will parish. My heaven will not, and my soul is eternal, for it has been given to me by the eternal breath of God. Just as my body is a temporary dwelling place for my soul, so is this planet a temporary home. I must fix my attention upon building a home for me in heaven and filling it with riches. The way to do that is to live a righteous life here on earth, and to serve and love the Lord. How I long to go home, to the house of my Lord. He has prepared a place for me there. It is up to me whether or not I shall end up there.
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