a post dedicated to an ASSHOLE

it's pretty obvious who this is for. and if you ever come across this, i am letting you know that... YOU ARE THE BIGGEST HOLE OF THE ASS EVER. and you're little skank replacement for me, she is a whore. they say 'you are what you eat', and she sure is just a big walking dick because she made my life hell and you just let that happen. then you came crawling back, you fucker... how dare you??!! we are NEVER going to be together, asshole. I am so over you. 

He wants to move on. He has obviously had enough. I do not blame him, he is sticking close to his friends because they were there for him in his time of need. They were the ones that were on his side, the ones that blamed someone other than him for what had happened.

I feel disabled. I wish I could tell him, talk with him. I miss him so much. I wish I could go up to him every time I see him. His rage has driven me away, I am running because I am fearful. I am looking for a day when we will be able to speak, normally. Maybe we both need a time out. This is our time out. I need time to figure out what exactly I did, why I did it, who I am because of it.

So what happened?

I am not a liar. I am a person ridden with secrets. Secrets that are grounded in despicable actions and choices. I wish I could tell all of them to someone. I wish my soulmate was with me.

I wish you had met me when I was younger. When I was innocent and incapable of making my own decisions. It is great that I am able to make decisions about what to wear, what to eat, what classes to take, what career path to pursue. I could not and cannot make other decisions, decisions which are important.

I was put in a situation in which I could not help or change the circumstances.

Finally, I know I am not crazy. Finally.

I will tell the world. I will be a witness to the love and mercy which I have received from the Lord. Nothing but His grace will save me, His mercy alone will endure. I will not lose hope. I will not let you put me down, I will not let you take my soul. I will never lose sight. I will be a witness. I live to serve Him. My God, these days you have tested me and I have failed. Nothing in this world gives me more joy than knowing that my Savior died for me. Through love, I am saved. If I believe.

Do not, o Lord, withhold your mercy from me;
Let your steadfast love and your faithfulness keep me safe forever.
For evils have encompassed me without number;
My iniquities have overtaken me, until I cannot see;
They are more than the hairs on my head,
And my heart fails me.  - Psalm 40:11-12

dc Talk - Say the Words

Серебро - Скажи не молчи

this says a lot about my feelings right now
i'll translate later...............

Виа Гра - День без тебя

Without offense, without regret
I am going behind the horizon
I want to say thanks, (to you) my friend
For the short sweet dream

I want you to be happy
To not regret anything
Accepting all what has been
And what will be (later on, in the future)

A day without you I will somehow endure
But on the next day I'll go searching throughout the world
To warm up (re-kindle) a chilled love
I don't want to, I can't live without you

Without offense, without regret
I am going behind the horizon
I want to say thanks, (to you) my friend
And to recompense you for everything

Before putting periods (putting periods, as in, at the end of a sentence; concluding)
And closing doors in the home
You will know (find out) all that was
And all that will be (later, in the future)

A day without you I will somehow endure
But on the next day I'll go searching throughout the world
To warm up (re-kindle) a chilled love
I don't want to, I can't live without you

Quelqu’un m’a dit (Carla Bruni) – translation

I’m told that our lives aren’t worth much,
They pass like an instant, like wilting roses.
I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard
Making its coat of our sorrows.
Yet someone told me…

That you still loved me
Someone told me…
That you still loved me.
Well ? Could that be possible?

I’m told that fate makes fun of us,
That it gives us nothing and promises everything,
When happiness seems to be within our reach,
We reach out and find ourselves like fools.
Yet someone told me…

That you still loved me
Someone told me…
That you still loved me.
Well ? Could that be possible?
Well ? Could that be possible?

So who said that you still loved me?
I don’t remember any more, it was late at night,
I can still hear the voice, but I can no longer see the face,
“He loves you, it’s secret, don’t tell him I told you.”
You see, someone told me

That you still loved me
Did someone really tell me?
That you still loved me
Well, could that be possible?

I’m told that our lives aren’t worth much,
Passing in an instant, like wilting roses,
I’m told that time slipping by is a bastard,
Making its coat of our sadnesses.

That you still loved me
Someone told me…
That you still loved me.
Well ? Could that be possible?

We are a herd of sheep.
There is only one good shepherd, the rest are phonies. They steal, they misguide, they corrupt.


NOTE TO SELF - get music